Headstate

It's been a strange few weeks.

Thanks to a strange (yes I'll use that word twice) allegation at work, I was evicted from the office at the beginning of February.


In the first week off, I spent a lot of time writing down statements of turns of events, trawling through the history of things.  Trying to second-guess the random curse. 


I went to an interview about the random curse.  I couldn't decide between making an effort or turning up looking as tired and haggard as I felt.  I went for the former.  I showered, shaved my legs, wore a suit (that fitted!) and even put on some make up.  Pow, subtle eyes, tarted up my brows, mascara, tinted lip gloss.  A bit of blusher.  I looked ridiculous.  I rubbed at my cheeks and my eyes.  Ah, blended, that looks better.

Finally I found out about the random curse and was able to let go and enjoy myself.  Clearly it was important to someone but I can't get upset about it.


It's been remarkably rebalancing.

On the one hand, most importantly, I have had quite a lot of time to ride my bike.  This means that, following the really nasty sinus infection had, I have been able to get in to see the GP and to recover my fitness.

I got new glasses to correct my vision.  I'd been so busy I'd hardly noticed that my eyesight had drifted.

I also learned to appreciate work.  Whilst I would obviously rather be riding my bike all the time (that's why we call it a hobby), I simply can't. I remember that's why I'm not a ski instructor anymore either.  So what to do in the days off? 

You'd think all the annoying little jobs that you don't normally have time for.  The thing is, they're still annoying little jobs and I have no more time for them now than I normally do.

Exercise - of all kinds has been a life saver.  Walks in the park, into town, yoga, even a few weights in the loft.  Otherwise I don't really do "out".  I went into town and sat down in Nero to drink coffee on my own.  A toothless old lady came and sat with me and we chatted.  I wasn't in the mood but as she started to talk I thought, "what the hell, I'm lonely and have nothing better to do" so I listened to her and told her stuff about me although she didn't really listen to me.  I was the lonely middle aged lady listening to the lonely old lady.  She took a lot of listening to - without the teeth.

I went for a short ride that left me hacking with a cough again.  A few days later, a longer ride filled with terrain to take my mind off my job.  I got back as it fell dark, absolutely spent.

Time spent in town is unproductive.  I look at things.  Things that I would like but I don't want to buy because I have nowhere to put them and OH GOD what if I lose my job and I don't have any money and all the things! It's stupid.  My walks into town are long though - especially if I do lots of laps looking at things I can't afford / accommodate.

On my way home from town I headed for some benches to take a seat. I noticed a pen on a bench and make a bee-line for it.  It's a good pen.  Not in a Waterman "my mother bought this for me" kind of way but in a Uniball gel roller kind of way.

Students are everywhere but no-one is looking for that pen they just dropped.  Except I'm too middle class to go around picking up lost pens so I sit on the pen like I never noticed it was there and put my hand on it like I'm keeping my fingers warm.  I have a read from my note book and then my phone... for quite some time.

I realise I'm stuck.  I'm now paranoid I'm the subejct of a sociology experiment.  Students are watching me from a window somewhere to see if I walk off with the pen.  Jeremy Beadle is going to jump out of a bush somewhere on "You've been shamed" for stealing a shitty fucking student pen.  I eyed the University gardeners - none of them had curly black hair or  horrible goatee.

A phone call gets me an excuse.  I hurriedly pick up the pen with my book and stash it in my bag like it was mine all along as I take my call and set off walking.  The sociology students have won a bet and I am both scared, exhilarated and ashamed all at once.


Back at home it's no better.  I renewed my van insurance and saved 50% last week.  Yes 50%.  I know this is normal but, given the current state of my life is it not inevitable that I somehow screwed this up?  Have I claimed 20 years NCD?  Have I claimed my van is actually a fiat panda?  Have I told them I only drive 200 miles?  Of course everything is fine but the day peters into a continuous electronic mash of games and social media. 

Occasionally I look up and acknowledge that whilst you're resting, it's OK to do nothing.  How on earth is my cough going to go if I don't do nothing?  How will my muscles grow?  Yet there's a black dog on my shoulder reminding me I should be outside in this weather.  I've eaten too much so when TSK brings me food, it doesn't go down well.  It takes hours for my brain to actually go to sleep. 

On Wednesday I promise myself a proper care day.  I plot bike routes for future training.  I do some job admin and clean my bike and pack ready for a better day on Thursday.  Finally, I write.  I write to the boss to thank him for my latest emails and ask, "What next?"

I think about what's wrong, what's right.  The balance is missing.  I allowed myself to become a dish cloth and a mother and stopped being an engineer... though I did a reasonable job of holding up that end too and in doing so, I wore myelf out.

I'm keen to get back to work but at the same time I see an immense need to recover from what as happened so I did whatever makes me stronger and took myself out for a long ride.

Beautiful things happened.  I was washed over with exhaustion, made progress where I shouldn't have been and slept when and where I needed to.  I enjoyed sun set and sun rise and stars - twice.  The next day was a write off, mind.  I walked around in a daze all morning and then went to bed a lot.  On Saturday I was still recovering but still managed to sleep well and then on Sunday I managed to ride again.  I was getting good at this. 

Sunday's ride was another peach.  A wibble up to Stanage which was windy.  Descending to my sleep spot to look for a lost sleeping bag stuff sac and then back around the Derwent reservoir which ends in a steep push.  I had been heading to ride down to the Ladybower but as the sun set I thought of my doctors' orders to get more Vitamin D and stayed on the sunny side of the hill.  It didn't do my vitamin D that much good as the sun set behind Mam Tor but it did my heart the world of good.

This had been a ride for stopping and soaking up the atmosphere as well as eating and I could have camped any one of the places I stopped but decided to go home, spend the evening with my husband and sleep in my own bed if only to improve my changes of getting rid of the hacking cough that had still haunted me down the final off road descent. 

Reaching the A57 this time, it was rush hour and there was no way I was riding along that road on a loaded bike so I got as far as the Ladybower pub then diverted off road and rode / pushed my way to the top.  A brief road section back off at Manor Hall then off road to Rod Side, hit Rails Road and then climbed up the Byway to Crookesmoor.  After dinner I fell asleep at 8:30.

Today I was back to not knowing what to do.  At least the routine, the necessity of going to work forces me to take that bike out (in whatever weather) or gives me the excuse to take 30 minutes of sitting in a car each way if I need to - and I relish it when I have to.  Finally my brain accepted that doing nothing may be necessary and I can fail to enjoy it but sometimes it needs to be done.

After a whole morning though, I'd had enough.  Forcing myself wasn't getting me anywhere mentally.  There had been a few squally showers that put me off going out on my bike so I decided to turbo.  When your wheel drops out of the turbo to "Omen", you start to doubt yourself.  When the tyre goes down after 33 minutes you just get off and give up. 

It did at least persuade me I was warm enough and capable enough of doing some shopping on the bike.  That first brrr on leaving the house was out of the way - I was already sweaty.  I did a few trips - first to get human food, then cat food.  I did a longer loop carrying 4kgs of cat food to take the steepness out of the final climb and then I went up into the loft to lift some weights.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER!

Not such a restful afternoon then but I am quite fed up of being mediocre.  In fact I'm quite keen to get better - and just a little bit will do.  Some legs to match the enthusiasm maybe.  Not just big days of training but one after another after another.

Last year I made mistakes.  Clashing my attempt at an SR with the RRtY meant I packed too much into a short period of time.  This year can be different - I can train consistently but I can avoid exhaustion.  I can rest when I need to and exercise when I don't and being off work is a perfect start to a new regime.

Dreams - chase them while you still have them.