It's not good but it's OK.

Warning: This post contains graphic details some readers may find upsetting.

I had a horrible dream a few weeks ago. I was hanging out at acting school with Emu (who was at the school, not me) – Emu is a person, by the way, a very very good friend. Her brother was there too, except it wasn’t her brother, Marcus, it was another boy I didn’t know. They were quite young and so was I. I was probably 15, Emu younger and the brother about 8.

The acting school was telling Emu she’d have to leave her cat (which was actually my cat) with them whilst she went off to do some work somewhere. She was refusing saying that she was taking her cat with her. The acting school took revenge by tying her brother’s dog (a big, brown pointer that I have never seen, met or known) in a string bag dangling from a helicopter then flying it through the trees until the bag broke and the poor dog fell, impaling itself on a tree and the little boy watched it all happen then knelt by the body of his dying dog howling and in tears.

I awoke, brow furrowed, nearly in tears, over-warm and alone – not wanting to wake Hubby from his sleep for a stupid dream. It made me wonder why our minds do these things to us. Why it put me through such pain over a person and an animal I never knew and never will know for something that's never really likely to happen.

Last night on my way home I was approaching the Hillside Estate Winery and a van parked by the side of the road with its hazard flashers on. Conscious that this might be an accident and someone might need my help, I slowed to take a look and check that no-one was hurt / lying under the wheels of the van / trying to change a tyre without the proper equipment or knowledge or strength. I promise I wasn't rubber necking, I mean this is a part of the world where you could be stranded in the dark without most half-wits noticing you as they pass. Part of me wished I hadn’t looked. There was a large brown dog with smooth fur lying on the ground and the person standing by the van had covered its head with a towel or blanket.

I realised there was nothing I could do and continued on my way. I hate to see dead or lost pets. It breaks my heart for the person, the family and the animal – though I didn’t think this dog would’ve known any pain. My thoughts got worse. I banged my head against the head rest, trying to knock the negative thoughts from my head. I turned up a dance tune on the radio to full volume, trying to drown the noise of the pain of the people and the man standing by the limp body out of my ears. He must feel so guilty, so bad for the owners. I wonder if he is waiting for them or the cops to come and take the body away. I wonder if he will get in trouble. Was he speeding? Is he angry at someone for letting their dog run loose? How would I react? I’d be torn apart. I tried to tell myself it’d be alright soon. I’ll forget this. Hubby will make me feel better when I get home.

I got home and the house was still and dark. No Landy in the car port.. For a while I forgot the dog, thinking Hubby was lying in a ditch somewhere in the Landy. I wondered if it was icy on the road to his work tonight. Then it occurred to me that he might be the dog-man. I couldn’t be angry at him but I hoped he wouldn’t be angry for someone letting their dog run loose and blaming the owners because he's a cat-person. I would just feel bad for him. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I put the kettle on. I let the cats run free. I cuddled Slaughterpuss and tickled Andrew. I would just feel bad for him.

I phoned his office but there was no answer. It was safe to put the dinner on, he’d be home soon. I turned the oven on and went into the basement to the freezer. The Landy arrived.

“Wow, you’re late”, I said.

First, he got stuck in a meeting (which doesn’t happen very often). Then he was on the way home and cars were swerving all over to miss this deer that was thrashing around in the road. Someone had hit it and driven off. It was struggling in pain to get up so they stopped and pulled it to the side of the road and laid it down and covered it and it calmed and they called the cops and waited and the cops came and made the pain go away and though it was sad, I was glad that someone didn’t lose their dog. That some kiddy wasn’t going to come home from playgroup to find its puppy was no more.

See. I knew he’d make me feel better.