Saturday, December 24, 2016

A pointless and impossible waste of space. And the point at which I had to take action to avoid losing my mind.

I was really looking forward to work on Wednesday. I had already had 2 days off which we filled with productive work on our house whilst I recovered from my cold. The temptation and guilt to go out on my bike was there but I avoided it with more rubbish to ditch; more stuff to donate and sell. We bought a new sofa to make more space in the living room and arranged for the old one to go.      

On Monday I saw Marcus at accelerate who turned me into a porcupine by filling me with needles and gave me some great advice to work on strength gaps which were causing me an imballance and basically, a very sore knee.

It worked.  By Tuesday I wanted to run and by Wednesday I was ready to ride first and then try running on Thursday.

Thank god I rode to work.

There are no words to explain the catastrophic destruction of my sense of purpose in my career.  It would be unprofessional to do so here but I basically lost all hope following what started out as a 10 minute monologue.  I cried until lunchtime before working the rest of the day, cried all my way home on the bike, half the night and into the next morning.  I went back to bed at 6am and slept until 9. before going to site and then crying some more on the way home.

Needless to say I didn't do my new leg exercises on Wednesday night.

On Thursday after rationalising with myself well into the evening, I was finally able to let go.  We went to the pub.  I didn't drink.  Christmas is going to be a dry one.  I did my leg exercises when we got home.

I suffered further meltdowns into Friday morning as I tried to do some work but eventually failed when I accidentally stood on my laptop, no doubt leading me into further trouble.  It is not a happy time and yet, there is a large part of me which can not fathom that any of it is my fault... except for the standing on the laptop thing - that is my fault.  So I shall move on, care for myself and slowly and purposefully recover in my own time this week.

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