Friday, October 09, 2015


I am staring at the wall. It's 2 hours since we went to bed, tired. I feel quite alone which is insane because the person who loves me most is right next to me.  I have the neighbours' music to keep me company, drifts of notes that penetrate the wall and my ear plugs and the gentle breath of my husband. Often I can't distinguish between the two.

There's no worries in my mind. The occasional thought floats past but they don't keep me awake. This should be a perfect meditation except I am not filled with positive feelings or places or awareness. I am carefully balanced between asleep and not, aware and unconscious and I am not happy. Mostly I sense this is because I am not asleep.

I may not be asleep because I have reached saturation point with recovery and now I am restless. I gave myself a taste of the satisfaction of having done something on my mountain bike yesterday and it felt good. I would like to blame today's inactivity but I sense that something darker is at work. Neural connections are not being made or perhaps it's just drinking at lunch time on a Friday instead of going for a run.

The combination of the three and fourth, the list of work the last few bike rides has given me to do.

There are so many words to write yet so few to describe such emptiness. An emptiness so pointless it really is indescribable and after such a poor night's sleep, will be inescapable tomorrow. This is just about the time I should tell myself to go to bed because it will all be better in the morning but I just came from that place and it wasn't working.

I tried to think positive thoughts about things to write but it span in my head and drifted in and out of focus but still that wall was there so I came here to write that sometimes not everything is okay. It caves in and wavers. Sometimes there is nothing you can do with it. Sometimes blessings are your ultimate weakness.


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