Dear Bearbones BAM

It's not you it's me.

At the end of the Highland Trail I didn't ever want to do it again.

Then I really wanted to do it again.

Then I never wanted to ride my bike again but I'd entered the Jenn Ride so I would have to.

In the end I really enjoyed the Jenn - the Lakes, the Camaraderie, no rules, no cut-offs, no dotwatchers. I still found myself digging deep for the last 20km & suffering an awful night's sleep both during + after the event and I was terribly washed out for weeks after. So I gave myself a rest for a whole month which wasn't much of a rest because it coincided with a big work project which has been both mentally and (in the recent heatwave) physically exhausting.

Last week should have been the end of my recovery period where I bounced back like a coiled spring but instead I fumbled through the weekend like a zombie & learned more about the Olympic rules of Taekwondo than I legally need to know.

I made a last ditch effort last night to get out for BAM. I spent most of the day re-packing my dried out bits of kit that had been spread out around the house in amongst bouts of chores (taking the race bike to the shop) Olympics (crying at the BMX) and eating food.

At 10 pm I couldn't find the glasses I wear to ride - a pair of varifocals that allow me to see where I'm going and read my Garmin too. I didn't get mad I just got sad. It seemed like all my bad shit was wrapped up in bike riding & camping and those damn sleepless nights and damn I can't risk those anymore and then I fell asleep in the chair.

So, there ends my straight run of 30 (31?) BAMS from 1st commitment in June 2021

I felt no sadness or regret, just relief that (after a week of staying in budget hotels), I could sleep in my own bed, kiss someone goodnight and stay there as long as I wanted to in the morning.

These are normal things one takes for granted.

I'm sure I'll be back to bikepacking soon.

Sometimes we can tell our brains and bodies to shut up and keep going. Sometimes we need to pull up a chair, pour them a cup of tea and listen carefully.

My sleep did the trick and reset my body clock. I got out for a decent proper ride today - unencumbered by the weight of sleep paraphernalia. It started Late morning and was done by 3pm. It involved weather and golden plovers and soup but no sleeping.

I still have a way to go to fall back in love with bike packing but at least me & the bike are friends again.